Why does there need to be a part of me that despite what I want to do, forces me to do the opposite? When I want to be healthy why do I need junk food? Why when I want to save money I must buy random shit? Why when I want to be social and talk to people I hide deeper within my shell?
I understand that having self-control and a good routine help combat these issues, but they can’t seem to combat mine…no matter how hard I true I must fight myself. It’s almost like I want to see myself succeed less than everybody else and I don’t know why.
You’d think that *you* would be your biggest supporter and your biggest hater, but I’m just my biggest hater. I show myself no love because I give it all away to everyone else. I have all the right things to tell others but yet I only have lies to tell myself. I want what’s best for everyone…but I just want it all to be over for myself.
The constant battle I have in my head can be a lot, and honestly really causes a lot of suffering in my life, but it’s a battle I think I’m learning to win. I don’t know if I’ll ever win the war, but the few wins I do get help more than you might think.
With the current year coming to an end I know a lot of people, myself included, start to come up with these bullshit goals for the new year…but don’t stop coming up with them. Use anything you can to help you reach them. Become the person you truly want to be through those goals, because I know I’ve been trying…and I know one day I’ll get there.
But until then just remember that no matter how dark the night gets, the sun will rise again. Take care