Why is it something I seek? What has caused me to come to this point in my life? When did I decided to start closing off my heart instead of letting others in?
It’s a very interesting topic since we as humans are naturally a communal creature. We crave that connection that can only come from other humans, as they are the only thing that can act as a mirror. You know that feeling when you’re sitting with a friend, not even speaking, but then you just start laughing which causes them to laugh to. Why is that? What made you laugh? You’re sitting in silence, but yet just their presence is enough to speak to your soul in a way that makes you comfortable enough to just let it out.
There’s something that happens to you the longer you spend by yourself–you start to default to deflection and self-detriment. You start to tell yourself you’re not good enough for someone before even giving the chance to know who you really are. You start to tell yourself you’ll never be good enough without even trying, and before you know it you’ve created this loop of self isolation. It’s dark, it’s painful, but yet you can’t escape it. No matter how many self help books you read trying to learn a way to trick yourself into being more open. No matter how YouTube videos you watch on how to make friends, it just doesn’t work…
I know because that’s where I am currently… I “know” what and “how” to make connections, but at the same time I don’t. And that’s because I don’t know myself yet, which is the journey I’m on. It’s not only a journey of self-reflection, but a journey of healing.
I’m sorry for not having the sources now, and maybe the more I do this I’ll start to actually cite my sources, but for now I’ll go off memory… I watched a video recently that was a catalyst to me wanting to start this, and one of the points it made was that to overcome this loneliness was to overcome yourself. By first opening your heart to yourself, you’ll then be able to open it up to others.
You must not only be kind to yourself, but you need to learn why you closed yourself off in the first place. Whether you were hurt, neglected, ignored, etc. what is the reason you started to retreat into your shell?
For me I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged. I had a good childhood: parents that loved me, friends that I hung out with, nothing that would indicate I would be a loner…. But yet there’s always been this feeling of being better off alone, and slowly throughout school I started turning down invitations to hangouts. I stopped talking to my friends as much. I stopped opening up to my parents about my issues. And as time went on I become more and more closed off.
But why? What was the reason for all of this? That is a question I still don’t have the answer to because it just felt so normal to be alone, and because of that I could suppress the pain of being alone.
Deep down I hoped someone would reach out to me, to ask how I am, to ask if I still wanted to hang out…but that never came, and that made me dislike everyone even more. Which in turn started this loop of self-destruction in terms of my relationships.
This over time hardened my heart to a point where I no longer felt anything. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t mad…I was just there, surviving.
I’ve recently met someone, and subsequently ended said relationship, that got me to feel again. I was happy talking to them, I felt sad when I couldn’t talk to them…and I was destroyed when they left. It was the first time I’ve cried since I was a child, and I didn’t know why. I felt so stupid that I felt that way over someone after so long, I hated myself for crying over them…
But over time I realized that I’m not stupid for feeling those emotions.
I was simply just healing.
I finally found a soul I could connect with, and while it may not of had a fairy tale ending it was still a step down the path of finding said ending.
I learned that even after years of loneliness I still yearn for that human connection, and I believe we all do deep down no matter how happy you may think you are alone. I just yearn for a deeper connection. I yearn for those who can truly see me for who I am, not just what I can show.
I don’t know how long it’ll be until I find someone like that again, but I don’t think it’ll take as long now that I understand myself better. Now that I know there are other souls like me out there, yearning for an authentic connection. Looking for another “lost” soul, knowing deep down that we’ll find each other one day.
The time will come for you and I where our eyes will meet with someone else’s eyes and it’ll all become clear. At that moment we’ll think “you too?” and we’ll no longer be lonely.
Until then all I can do is keep trying, keep improving, and most importantly keep living.
Because no matter how dark the night may get, the sun will always rise again. :))
Take care